I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Randomize
