I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
