Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
