We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Randomize
