i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
