Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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