i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
It's official drugs can't kill me
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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