Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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