I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
