My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
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