Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
