There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
