I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
