Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
