At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Randomize
