If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
I need a burrito and a hug.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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