yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
