At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
