Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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