So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
