i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Randomize
