As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
