It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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