he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
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They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
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I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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