Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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