when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
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