Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
