What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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