I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
