Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Randomize
