im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Randomize
