Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
