phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
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