I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Randomize
