Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
