I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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