just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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