He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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