Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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