You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
