Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Randomize
