I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
This girl is more easily done than said...
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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