Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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