I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
