i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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