No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
