I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Randomize
