I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
