It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
This is my life. Enjoy the view
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Randomize
