the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
