somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
