What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Randomize
