I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
