____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Randomize
