I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
I want you more than these girls want KFC
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
