i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I FOUND THE LEGS
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