just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
The uberlube is also flammable
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize
