Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
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