i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
