I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
cat food counts as protein by the way
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
